I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
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Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children