*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
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(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Don’t forget to tip your server
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.