@JermHimselfish: I always keep an old key and a map with random X's all over it in my pocket so that shortly after my death occurs a treasure hunt ensues.
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@DrDogMD: PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you? DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn't easy
@Black__Elvis: My favorite Star Trek episode is that one where Captain Kirk saves the Klingons hundreds of dollars on hotel reservations.
@ShutUpThatsWho: Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire. Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I'm putting the fires out.
@tehaveragejoel: "will..." *Starbucks barista squints at name on cup* "... the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?" *Eminem flips table and storms out*