After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
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Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Seems a bit forward
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Canada has crack?
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box