@aaroncoal: I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.
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@amydillon: 85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the "she" in her story is.
@rmfnord: The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
@krisv_723: The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I'd have to poop in front of people in prison.
@SpeakComedy: Now remember kids; if a stranger offers you drugs say thank you because drugs are expensive ;)