@aaroncoal: I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.
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@stephenjmolloy: "It's beautiful today. Let's work outside." *5 mins later* "This was a terrible idea." *more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
@slimmy_shady: I don't want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
@Juststopkate: Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella. And also my car door.