@aaroncoal: I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.
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@Reverend_Scott: Superman's Google searches: "Strongest hero" "Strongest hero. Not Hulk" "Fastest hero" "Fastest hero. Not Flash" "Phone booth for sale"
@XplodingUnicorn: My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there's poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
@SamGrittner: Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.