I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
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Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to