The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
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ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.