I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
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my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Best mom ever 😂
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?