I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet