I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
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yeah 😭
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.