@koalaslament: I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
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@thenatewolf: They should make 9-1-2 a number you can call when it's not quite an emergency but you still need to vent. "Hello, Operator? Yeah, there's a bird on my car... No, I'm in the house, but I can see him through the window."
@ArfMeasures: ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I'm reading] WIFE: You're ruining that Kindle
@BeCoco77: True Story: A guy at the supermarket walked up to me today and asked me if I was on twitter. I said no. If you're reading this, I lied.
@OmarImranTweets: 13 year old girls be like "I need a man who.. " Lol the only Man in your life should be Spongebob. Yallah go finish your homework.