I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
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About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
never ask a starfish for directions
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.