I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
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“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I falcon love using swear birds
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.