I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
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me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao