I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there