I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
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My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
oh my gosh!!
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
*me flirting
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud