I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
You Might Also Like
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog