Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
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*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Finally! 😈
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!