I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
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Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Can. I. Help. You.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Happy Halloween 🎃
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all