Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
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The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
thanks auntie mary
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.