Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
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In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Pickled cat.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I have never related to a cat more
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.