I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
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FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Me, flirting😏
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.