I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
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My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Butt weight. There’s more!
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>