I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
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[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*