Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
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Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!