I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
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Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
And bowling should be called pinball
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life