I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
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What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.