I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
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My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
This is amazing.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
One venti cheeseburger please.
PARKOUR
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?