BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
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“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.