Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
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This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.