He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
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A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good