i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
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[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.