Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
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[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
#SaturdayBears
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead