I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
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Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.