I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
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“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Lucky old June.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.