I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
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9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me: