I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
🚲+physics = winner
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.