@imence2: I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week...because there's just some things they should learn from their dad.
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@djdarrellripley: Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems... Well, you've always got my number. Me: Yes, is it still 666?
@HolycrapitsaKat: *Someone compliments me* Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
@yab_kat: [gets pulled over] Officer: *through window* Do you know why i pulled you over? Me: *punches steering wheel* answer the man you criminal car
@1Happytwit: My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.