I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
You Might Also Like
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
this could fix me
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!