@QwertyJones3: I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
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@afbradstone: Today I heard a guy on the street say, "It's chowder season, baby!" so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
@Pro_Jones_: (Halloween Party) Friend: What's your costume? Me: I'm dressed as "A total disappointment" Friend: But you always wear that Me: Yeah.
@usermcuserface: Mary and Joseph watch the 3 wise men leave M: I can't believe they went off the registry. J: I know! Even the son of god needs burp cloths.
@sarcasticmommy4: Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.