I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
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The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”