I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
You Might Also Like
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Wasps: bees, but not helping
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS