Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
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most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
me after eating Cheetos
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup