Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
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Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.