Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
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We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?