I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
You Might Also Like
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does