@MichaelLarrick: I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I'm cool.
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@trumpetcake: My new coloring book, How To Tell The Woman You Love You've Been Living In Her Shrubs For A Year, comes out on tUESsdhay martha i love you
@Mr_Kapowski: Even if you're single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.
@OreoSpeedwagon_: Note to self: hairspray does not kill spiders; it merely increases their strength and makes them look flawless all day.
@AnissaClingman: When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don't be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?