@MichaelLarrick: I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I'm cool.
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@stephenjmolloy: [Pilot intercom] Me: "Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume."
@PFitzpa: Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
@aksorojas: "You can't get married," the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
@squirrel74wkgn: [flashback to 1st date] *cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn Me: Popcorn? Her: No thanks. (Mom reaches from row behind) "I'll have some."