I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
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Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*