@Whitnuts: I always try to tell myself that I don't actually hate people as much as I say I do...and then I go to the mall.
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@clemdytan: I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
@williamwanton: Couples that stay fit together don't trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
@ElgatoEsmio: [DUI checkpoint] Cop: I'm gonna need you to follow my finger Me: As long as it doesn't tweet inspirational stuff