I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
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I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
This came to me in a dream.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.