I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
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People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
this is so top tier i cant
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
*weighs self after shaving
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.