*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
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MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
A short story of betrayal:
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am